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I've given it alot of thought, over years, and often... I don't tend to look back and feel much of anything, just anger.

I think in the long run, thats what I was supposed to notice... I was supposed to get that, I was always angry. Its just that, looking back... well.. I was thinking of a song, as I was trying to sleep for work, and for just a moment it was going in my head, I'd just heard it and stuff. It made me realize... my anger has... driven away alot of people. It didn't end with the 'old war', like I thought it did. I just kept doing that, albiet more subtly. 

I guess I sort of realized that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm a monster, was more justified than I'd like. 'Cos I just kept on hurting people along the way, and... I always hated that. What happened to me, that I lost sight of who I was? Am I really so badly hurt, that I missed that?...
Always so much wrath, so much anger... I mean, people like, say, jerica, are no great loss. But... I had three perfectly good friends that I just.. drove away with my incessant rage, and constant seeking of vengeance... and it took me until now to realize that it was that same instinct, that started to pry things apart.. and they found no forgiveness, because of that.. So I miss them, now, 'cos they WERE good friends, and I drove them off. 
Maybe its over dramatic to say that was the whole of things, but... I of course, always knew that I could have been more forgiving... more lenient... more kind.. 

I don't know.. I'm just... looking back on my personal relationships... and... realizing that its... just filled with alot of regret, for the most part. And I realized my behavior didn't change very much: I still seek out battle to strike down people that annoy me. 'Heretics' so to speak. I'm still hunting, albiet less obviously.. I'm still looking for the enemy.. always partially hoping I'll find them with each event I go to.. but I was quietly ignoring that.. and always relieved when I didn't.. but the behavior didn't stop. The hatred never stopped... it just.. its always been there in the background.. I was okay with that.. but..
Hm.. I don't know if my immediate response was too emotional.. I'm... upset enough that I can't tell if I'm over reacting, or if I've legitimately realized something that deeply hurts.

Either way, I must make note to be more patient in the future, and less..... vicious. If I even have a 'future' to look forward to.
It looks pretty bleak for me.. but such is the nature of fire. Leaving a ruined, empty wasteland in my wake is to be expected.. 

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I've given it alot of thought, over years, and often... I don't tend to look back and feel much of anything, just anger.

I think in the long run, thats what I was supposed to notice... I was supposed to get that, I was always angry. Its just that, looking back... well.. I was thinking of a song, as I was trying to sleep for work, and for just a moment it was going in my head, I'd just heard it and stuff. It made me realize... my anger has... driven away alot of people. It didn't end with the 'old war', like I thought it did. I just kept doing that, albiet more subtly. 

I guess I sort of realized that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm a monster, was more justified than I'd like. 'Cos I just kept on hurting people along the way, and... I always hated that. What happened to me, that I lost sight of who I was? Am I really so badly hurt, that I missed that?...
Always so much wrath, so much anger... I mean, people like, say, jerica, are no great loss. But... I had three perfectly good friends that I just.. drove away with my incessant rage, and constant seeking of vengeance... and it took me until now to realize that it was that same instinct, that started to pry things apart.. and they found no forgiveness, because of that.. So I miss them, now, 'cos they WERE good friends, and I drove them off. 
Maybe its over dramatic to say that was the whole of things, but... I of course, always knew that I could have been more forgiving... more lenient... more kind.. 

I don't know.. I'm just... looking back on my personal relationships... and... realizing that its... just filled with alot of regret, for the most part. And I realized my behavior didn't change very much: I still seek out battle to strike down people that annoy me. 'Heretics' so to speak. I'm still hunting, albiet less obviously.. I'm still looking for the enemy.. always partially hoping I'll find them with each event I go to.. but I was quietly ignoring that.. and always relieved when I didn't.. but the behavior didn't stop. The hatred never stopped... it just.. its always been there in the background.. I was okay with that.. but..
Hm.. I don't know if my immediate response was too emotional.. I'm... upset enough that I can't tell if I'm over reacting, or if I've legitimately realized something that deeply hurts.

Either way, I must make note to be more patient in the future, and less..... vicious. If I even have a 'future' to look forward to.
It looks pretty bleak for me.. but such is the nature of fire. Leaving a ruined, empty wasteland in my wake is to be expected.. 
I remember I kind of used to like these ones.... but man, this tastes really bad. Oh well, whatever.

So its morning, I was awakened early, so I only got 4 hours of sleep, but I don't care, I was expecting it.


But more onto whats on my mind. I'm obviously the only one aware, but most of the music on my itunes, is battle music, and most of THAT, I tried to make up of intimidating boss music. I find it kind of hilarious, 'cos though I've made great progress in recovering from the past, the darker side has always been there, just quietly doing things in the background to cast a shadow on everything I do, say, or feel. It never really left, obviously, I mean I could make a thousand (not really, more like 12, tops?) dramatic comparisons and cartoony ideas of how this scenario played out, but here I am again. Certainly, compared to before, I'm undoubtedly stronger, but I'm at that familiar place again with myself. 

I thought about it, 'cos I listen to boss music thats intimidating, in order to keep my blood boiling, 'cos in boss fights, or being vastly out numbered, do I feel the most alive. Its that same rush that I used to get when I thought I was going to lose in the past, but it eventually changed to the only thing that could keep me interested in a battle, is when something LOOKED like it should beat me. Now I see it differently... I see through the situation, and know whether or not it can ACTUALLY beat me. At any rate, before it was courage that kept me standing, facing my fear and striking it down. Over the years, it became sheer bloodlust. Battle called to me, like moth to flame, supposedly thats a thing, yes? God, fucking lame line.. but whatever. Point being, I was drawn to it. I suppose I kept my playlist of all battle music, to sort of keep that blood boiling sensation in the background... it doesn't comfort me though, quite the opposite. Actually, the sensation of feeling threatened, obviously, puts me out of my comfort zone. So its kind of funny to think of, considering the explanation of the 'comfort zone concept' I was given at school at one point. I come home to hide in my comfort zone to then create a panic zone that I perpetually stay in. And I ever wonder why I become relatively stressed?.. 

Anyway.. right now I miss doing amtgard. Not nearly enough to go and tolerate that piece of shit however. But I do like tearing through people just as much in that... I tried to be nice about it the last time, but they just treated me poorly. So, from now on, I'm no longer going to consider their feelings. I have had enough of these people, doing the same old thing to me they always do. If I beat you, and you start acting like a salty bitch over it, I'm going to rub your nose in it until it bleeds. The time of my patience for these ones, is LONG since over. I will no longer compromise myself, or my personal feelings, for people who are only okay with you, so long as they can control you.

I would say the berserker is back, but that isn't true. No, see, if that were true, I wouldn't be here, using words or anything, to describe how I feel... my methods would be alot less subtle, and quite alot more destructive. But y'know... its close. My patience has run out, and with things as they are, my emotions are getting very very upset. But thats okay, I don't plan on launching another war spanning years at a time, I intend only to carve out a very clear zone, mark it as my territory, and create a vicious demonstration of anything stupid enough to enter it. I was nice before, and timid, Now, I'll just rip you in half 'cos I don't have the patience for a slow-bleeding, drawn out game anymore. 

At any rate, I suppose this is a dark day indeed, but I feel relatively fine. 
Well.... relatively... obviously, if I were completely fine, I would not be announcing preemptively, the murder spree that is going to be all over their faces... but hey, all good things, must come to an end, no?
So let the bad times roll.

and eventually, I'll come around to being nice again... once I clear out all of the problems causing me grief.. hopefully, with less bloodshed this time.
  • Listening to: Keep The Flag Flying
I'm noticing too many loops lately. I'm very irritated about them as well.

I don't have alot of time, of course, 'cos its before work, but... I'm beginning to wonder, if its even possible for me to have close friends, or if its just always going to end up with everything being torn apart, and me inevitably turning them to dust, or they just leave.

Its discouraging, 'cos, I always wanted close friends, but every time I think I'm getting to know some one, or that I can trust them, things just seem to collapse in one way or another.. 
I'm starting to feel like I'm just better off REALLY being a loner, and just saying to hell with it.. 'cos I'm getting sick of fighting. It isn't worth it.. its a waste of time, especially when I'm the only one who knows the end result... this stupid repeat shit gets old...

Either way, I'm not backing down. I wont let people change me anymore. I wont compromise myself on their behalf any longer.
*sigh*
I guess I'm fighting, then. 

If for some god forsaken reason you (anyone) are still reading this, you know me by now. I win fights. 
Guess its that time again, to knock all the targets down, and the only ones who are going to be surprised, are the new faces with those same old roles.... 
So, finally got a place we're gonna move to.
So theres that at least....  unfortunately, its an hour away from where we currently live.... *sigh* What I was hoping to avoid. But it can't be helped.

'Sides, I don't really have to worry about it 'ruining my life' again. There isn't anything left to rui-

Agh.. I'm doing that thing again... 


And... I just zoned out. *facepalm*

Nevermind, I forgot what else I was going to say.
I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to be alone with my mind right now. I don't want to be alone right now. But I do want to.

Just.... not trapped with myself right now. I am consumed at the moment... another lost battle......

blood...... I want blood.... but I don't want to spill it.

....*sigh* Tomorrow is another day...

deviantID

Baratus
United States
Favourite photographer: Dont have one
Favourite style of art: dont have one
Favourite cartoon character: Dizzy, Sakuya, Suwako, Youmu,Suika ,<insert 40% of Touhou Cast here> dont care what anyone say
Personal Quote: I dont need luck, just alot of aspirin...
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:iconqueshy:
Queshy Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015   Writer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015
<.<; thank you
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:iconseh-art:
SEH-art Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015
Thanks for the fave :)
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
*nod*
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Student Writer
I hope you're doing alright, and sorry I'm so slow with my replies. Merry Christmas! :iconasnowmanplz:
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