Listening to: Tallon Overworld Depths - Metroid Prime
I'd like to punch something, or some one, in the face, that deserves it right now. Sadly, the people who pretty much asked me to do exactly that, are very much gone. So I'll have to make due without. I'm contemplating training until I feel better, but... I also don't effectively know when it'll go from muscular gain, to just destroying myself and being unable to feel it because adrenaline. Its great, y'know? to tell I'm fucking enraged, and want to tear something apart, and also have the restraint to just.... Not. And by great, I mean it makes me fucking hate myself. I'd like to ask questions like, "what have I become?" and "where is my life going?" But I have the answers to those, so they're not deep by any measure. Whatever the hell meaning that had in the first place.
Its not as though I've lost my connection to my emotions, I just don't let them control me, completely, anymore. And to do that, I have to just record them somewhere. Thus, the journal, and me not really giving too much of a shit if some one reads it or not. Oh, certainly, I'd like to think some one pays attention to my inner thoughts, but then of course, at the same time, I'd also like to lash out for some one noticing them, except that I cant, because logically, if I didn't want ANYONE to see my thoughts, ever, I'd just never record them, period. Not even in a notepad at home, which'd inevitably be found when I eventually lost it. Of course, the same as with the notepad, even if found, it wont be read. So y'know.. whatever. It defaults to, I'm just doing this for me, and even if I wanted to cry for help, no one would hear it. Though the truth is, just as much as I'd like help, I'd also resent it under most circumstances, not the person helping me, but myself, for needing help. I'm always at that, what, paradox? Having to acknowledge, that I'm not entirely invincible, but hating the fact that I'm not, and rejecting the idea of mentioning I'm hurt. I hate this... I really fucking do. I'd like to just say I feel perfect all the fucking time, and never have to talk to anyone, ever, about anything. I'm tired of rejection, or being the third fucking wheel, I'm tired of not feeling important to some one else, I'm tired of feeling a desire to just fucking stab some people. Obviously I never do, I'm pretty sure convicts don't get internet.
I'm tired of feeling, is what I'm saying. Its not ALL positive.. but I guess if I couldn't feel, I also couldn't appreciate whenever I make progress at anything. So, of course... just like what I was thinking about a while ago, I can't have anything good come my way, without some kind of crippling drawback that I just have to soak up the damage from.
And I'm not saying "oh poor fucking me" I'm enraged that I don't have something more solid to punch in the face for this. The problem is always out of my fucking hands, or I'd just go solve the god damn thing, stab the issue to death, and be done with it. Its always safely out of my stabbing distance, so to speak. And if its not that, its just that I'm unpleasant, no matter what I do or how I feel, and I'm getting damn sick of that too.
ugh.. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point... a fuckload of hopelessness is just crashing against my skull, and I'm basically saying any god damn thing to try to make it go away... I want to thrash and riot and murder something, just to vent all of the rage at feeling so fucking helpless... I hate this.... I just hate it... and I fucking hate that it hurts, I hate revealing that it hurts... I don't want anyone to know I'm fucking hurt... but hey, good news is, its easy for me to disappear, no one is watching me anyway (figuratively). So I can just withdraw, unnoticed, lick my wounds and be just fine, and no one will be the wiser. So, yay me. Good job at being utterly unremarkable, uninteresting AND unpleasant! You've made yourself entirely undesirable, Some how! Quite the fucking achievement!
Its both good and bad that I don't have to worry about being noticed.... right about now, I'd just.... I'd just get mad at anyone for approaching me, because Im a hurt animal... but its also bad, because I need a fucking hug that I can't have... so I just have to sit here in crippling emotional pain, and resist the urge to turn inward and rip myself apart. But its fine, because I can fucking take it.
.... I hate myself for that, too. Being unstoppable. Its a pretty good reason to despise myself, because effectively, when I want to hurt myself because my emotions are being fucking stupid, I can't, and I know I can't, because the only people that can hurt me, does not include me on the list. Funny protocol, that.
Oh yes.. the latticework that is my inner workings.. tends not to leave any means for me to get away with self harm. Lucky me... but then, I doubt it'd actually satisfy any of the chaotic raging emotions. It'd probably just damage me, and give me nothing in return at all. So.. whatever. Its not like I'm missing much.
I'm.. slightly calmer now, I still hurt. I'm still angry... I still want to lash out at something... I..still... just.. want a hug..