Listening to: Road Taken (Roar) - Fire Emblem Fates OST
Hm.. So.. For the same reasons I default to wanting to fight... I find myself back here, wanting to type.
I don't really feel like just expressing my thoughts directly... 'cos I just kind of want to deflect everything right now... Hah, not like I've gotta worry about that. one advantage of having chased off everyone.. at least when I don't want to be interacted with, I never have to be afraid some one will catch me.
Funny, how that doesn't hurt more to think about, some how... but the other stuff did. Oh well, whatever.
Alot of remembering the past, and realizing there was also alot of it that I couldn't remember. While some of it comes through crystal-clear, alot of it was just... over written. blocked out, 'cos it was less important than the major events that stood out, the critical-defining ones, for me. But these events were no less critical in shaping me... they just...... had little to do with my active vengeance..
Recently, my half-brother's mom, passed away. Well, less so recent, it was back in early May, apparently. I didn't know this woman, she was deaf, and unfortunately, I do not speak sign language, and her speech was horrible, probably 'cos of deafness. So we had no means of communication, yet, some how John always understood her. But he also doesn't know sign language....
Point being... uh... I lost the point.
I guess that in itself is partly the point, ironically enough... I lost..... alot... actually. Stuff I didn't know I lost, other things I threw away willingly, and decided not to wonder, if I'd miss those things or not.
I wouldn't say i 'lost' alot of my memories.. so much as marked them as irrelevant, and simply threw them away too. Forbade myself from associating with 'my weaker self'. Most of that part of me, is dead, now. Has been for years, and even still, this year, much more of it died, and only now do I realize it was dying at all. I had never stopped to care before, and now, I can't quite care in the same way I could before... mostly, because its only relevant to me. Anything centered on my self, and not revenge, or some one ELSE I care about, is always at, or near, the bottom of the list of things I could possibly give a fuck about. I just always completely discount my own well being.. by utterly natural default. My goals, are totally separate from my sense of self preservation... so I'm very well willing to tear myself apart to achieve them, emotionally speaking, because emotionally, I have almost no ability to care about myself. Logically, I realize that being whole, is a boon to anything i wish to achieve, which is really the only reason I've managed to keep from accidentally crippling myself along the way.. I was taught to assess myself numerically, because I couldn't emotionally.
Anyway I digress.
I guess... what I'm trying to say, is my emotions and mind are splintered in some way... fragmented.. and I'm only now reclaiming pieces, 'cos I bothered to notice they were gone. It just hurts.. so I don't know why I want them at all. Glimmering shards of light, that have long gone dark... dead and gone... and yet I'm finding them now.
I guess it would be a mistake to say, that when I overcame my demons, that i achieved a 'perfect self'. No.. far from it.. I imagine... I may have achieved an untouchable self... but.. I feel that there is much still missing.
I don't have the insecurity in the same way I used to, but the habit itself is still there, and frequently is exercised for the sake of familiarity. I still presume the same things on reflex, note that it was a presumption, default to mentally shut down, and move on like it didn't happen. Its so weird, its thoughtless loops that do absolutely nothing now, because its all done for the sake of doing it. I feel nothing from them, no anxiety, no annoyance or shame, or sadness, its just.... like a meaningless equation, thats done, because it moves things forward. Its the next button... I..
I'm.. not making much sense. Heh, I could already imagine a myriad of ways I'd be criticized for even sharing that much, and also the myriad of ways I'd be treated with apathy by the same people who would have otherwise been critical of me. No, its long passed the point that they would do anything, or express any care, other than to bludgeon me with their own-
Ahh.. I digress.
Anyway... I guess.. I just... I...... I don't know.
I'm far from emotionless.
Its just... in retrospect, I realize that there are many things I do for a sense of comfort, to stay near the familiar. Thankfully, nothing terribly unhealthy is on that list... but...
on that list... remembering the days my brother treated me like shit... is some how a comfort, compared to the now. I hate those memories. I would gouge your eyes out for treating me like that now... I would sincerely murder some one if they tried to do the things he did to me, without remorse...without pity whatsoever. The thought vexes me, that the word 'comfort' could be associated with those times in my life.. but.. I knew how they ended, and I knew how to get by during those times.
I was used to it.. where as now.... everything is... foreign territory to me. Everything beyond vengeance is so foreign. I used to react with trepidation and fear... but since the demons have gone, I don't... have fear anymore. So I don't know how to react. I can still fear for my life, certainly, animal instinct keeps that intact, but nothing is threatening my life. Its just.. with anxiety gone, nothing replaced it. Absolutely nothing. When I'm faced with a situation I don't know what to do in.... I... don't.. have a reaction. I expect something to happen, before I proceed. But there is nothing. I JUST proceed. Its jarring for me... its just... I feel wrong, that there is no step in between. Its just automatic, I move from being presented with the situation, straight to attempting to find the solution, with no emotion whatsoever.
And further on comfort, is... fighting itself. I discovered at a young age, I could get the point across, that I was hurt, and didn't like it, if I lashed out violently. That was perhaps the clearest communication I could express. When I was very young, I realize... that I couldn't communicate. I remember the crippling fear of speaking at all. And when I did speak, its like I never spoke the same language, though I would spend hours thinking about the conversations, and things said back and forth, nothing I said ever had the expected reaction... it was like I could understand their language, but not speak it... just.. all of the context was always missing from everything.. I knew the words, not what they meant... but I was sure I knew what they meant, not in the way a kid does when they first learn curse words.. but in the sense that.... agh.. words fail me right now..
My point being, that people never reacted in a manner that made sense to me, and nothing I could say, seemed to produce a result that was expected. Strangely, I think this some how resulted in my excessive habit of apologizing... Which makes less sense, as my apologies were always met with malice... never forgiveness.
Anyway... at some point, I gained the ability to feel other's emotions, when I fought them. Fighting became... comfort, because I could..... feel a sort of normal.. I could speak, and others had no choice but to listen. I could express something, could communicate... Alas... they... couldn't, then.
I... default to fighting, not only because i enjoy it, but because it comforts me... to be in battle. Its the only place I'm.... 'real'.
or thats how it was.
Now its just habit, and I still enjoy the hell out of fighting, but I can't speak anymore. I lost the language... some where along the line... and I don't know if I can ever pick it up again.. but it doesn't matter, no one else speaks it either.
I felt like I had something to say at the beginning of this, but in the end, I just feel like I shouldn't have said anything.
so, well, its a good thing I'm just talking to a wall.
I look back on everything that happened to me, and compare it to what I perceive in other people, as far as communication growth... and well, long story short, I was completely fucked over. I'm really far behind, and right now, it frustrates me more than anything, that a.... an... associate...... of mine.. having a similar disability, treats me as though I've never tried.
Honestly, it makes me want to violently beat him, because like the people growing up, he isn't listening to anything i'm saying. But that wouldn't solve anything, and I know it... like my... 'mentor'... he will perpetually think that only his perspective has any merit, and will discount anything and everything i say, because only his own perspective matters, and I just must be always perpetually doing only exactly the wrong thing and not learning whatsoever.
As usual.. yet another person who treats me as if I never try anything new... but you can't tell them that, because then you're 'just doing the same thing over again'.
When met with the same stimulus of being told I'm a liar in fucking fancier terms, yeah. I tend to strongly disagree with you, but y'know, thats why I decided to do something different. Instead, I Just stop talking.
Works like a charm.
Funny that. 'Cos I'm pretty sure if i told those people that I stop talking, because they're not listening, that they'd just accuse me of assuming they're not listening. Which is even more hilarious, because they fucking STILL aren't listening, oh sure you heard that I said words, did you stop to consider them? Fuck no. But no matter what, I'm the only one who can be wrong.... and honestly.. I just got sick of it.
That just... leads me back to where I lost many parts of myself... I gave up on several of the dreams I had, because.. well... exactly that. That treatment just killed them, eventually. Some point, i just realized, there was no hope. Not because I couldn't try, but because i'd just invariably be met with that same attitude, like I needed to be perpetually told "Hmm... did you make sure to plug in the computer before pressing the power button?"
Gee, I don't know, did you make sure not to breathe the last time you tried to eat food or drink water? Or do you just inhale your nutrients and choke for an hour, and by some fucking miracle it works?
... I don't even feel the anger anymore, that ought to accompany my words.... sarcasm is just second nature now.
Eventually, I just stop... saying anything. There is no use speaking to people that don't actually hear what you're saying...
Eventually, just boils down to, there is no use speaking. But I got criticized for that too, only reinforcing the point. There is no use in speaking. However, violence is indeed a language we can all understand. And in yet another way, that comforts me. You can get a clear understanding of how I feel about you, based on whether or not I've chosen to destroy you. If I haven't, good job, you're on as good a side of me as you're going to get.
*sigh* again, sarcasm, but y'know... people like Pete just make that more true.
I've simply had enough of my words falling on deaf ears... I don't have the patience to waste time speaking to people who don't hear me, or just conclude that everything and anything I say/think or feel is only ever exactly wrong or precisely irrelevant and nothing more. Only me.
ONLY me. Only me do they call 'friend' yet treat as though nothing else about me matters or can have any relevance, importance or can even be respected.
I guess.... I guess I just realized my heart doesn't matter anymore, when.... some one very close to me, chose to throw me away to listen to a liar instead. And thats when it died. I simply stopped caring.
No, died is the wrong word...
I guess thats when I put it in a box, locked it and left it on the shelf and threw away the key. I have no plans on finding it, and I know that no human will ever find it either.
I created a conditional program, that could bring my feelings back, but never at my own decision.
Yes... I see now.. what I did... how... sentimental... and futile.
Oh, I didn't explain that eithe-no, you know what? I don't need to explain that.
I'm the only one listening...
It seems I've collected my thoughts... I remember now.