I've given it alot of thought, over years, and often... I don't tend to look back and feel much of anything, just anger.
I think in the long run, thats what I was supposed to notice... I was supposed to get that, I was always angry. Its just that, looking back... well.. I was thinking of a song, as I was trying to sleep for work, and for just a moment it was going in my head, I'd just heard it and stuff. It made me realize... my anger has... driven away alot of people. It didn't end with the 'old war', like I thought it did. I just kept doing that, albiet more subtly.
I guess I sort of realized that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm a monster, was more justified than I'd like. 'Cos I just kept on hurting people along the way, and... I always hated that. What happened to me, that I lost sight of who I was? Am I really so badly hurt, that I missed that?...
Always so much wrath, so much anger... I mean, people like, say, jerica, are no great loss. But... I had three perfectly good friends that I just.. drove away with my incessant rage, and constant seeking of vengeance... and it took me until now to realize that it was that same instinct, that started to pry things apart.. and they found no forgiveness, because of that.. So I miss them, now, 'cos they WERE good friends, and I drove them off.
Maybe its over dramatic to say that was the whole of things, but... I of course, always knew that I could have been more forgiving... more lenient... more kind..
I don't know.. I'm just... looking back on my personal relationships... and... realizing that its... just filled with alot of regret, for the most part. And I realized my behavior didn't change very much: I still seek out battle to strike down people that annoy me. 'Heretics' so to speak. I'm still hunting, albiet less obviously.. I'm still looking for the enemy.. always partially hoping I'll find them with each event I go to.. but I was quietly ignoring that.. and always relieved when I didn't.. but the behavior didn't stop. The hatred never stopped... it just.. its always been there in the background.. I was okay with that.. but..
Hm.. I don't know if my immediate response was too emotional.. I'm... upset enough that I can't tell if I'm over reacting, or if I've legitimately realized something that deeply hurts.
Either way, I must make note to be more patient in the future, and less..... vicious. If I even have a 'future' to look forward to.
It looks pretty bleak for me.. but such is the nature of fire. Leaving a ruined, empty wasteland in my wake is to be expected..