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  • Listening to: I'm My Own Master Now - Metal Gear Rising OST
I'm restless, and I also stayed up for 36 hours earlier and had to consciously decide to go to sleep, I didn't feel tired until I laid down. Its unusual, because I ordinarily become tired about 2-3 hours after the last time I went to sleep. Oh, wait, no, it isn't at all unusual, actually, I was talking to some one who had woken up at the time I was deciding whether or not I wanted to go to sleep early. I forgot, I consume the energy of other people... which makes me stay up nigh-indefinitely it seems like. 

anyway, point is, I'm rested, and now I want to do things, but I can't do everything all at once, chief among those things I want to do right now, is talk. There is no one around to talk to right now, so I decided to make a journal to just sort of empty thoughts into yet again. I don't feel bitter now, in case anyone was wondering, the last journal achieved its goal. But right now, I want to do several things, all of them combat related of course. I'm sort of saddened my training weights I got back in highschool are busted, they're just sandbag weights you can strap to your limbs or chest, but unfortunately, I punctured several of the bags, back in 2007 when I was playing Wii Boxing with them on my arms. they're 20 pound weights, each bag is 2 pounds, they're adjustable in that you can remove individual bags from the harnesses themselves. Anyway, I just got the great idea to train with my heavier swords, AND those on my arms. Sadly, I cannot. Even if I didn't do that, I could put them on my shoulders, to sort of simulate wearing armor. My actual armor for the game is going to be much lighter, since I'm just probably going to get leather, and metal shoulder plates for added defense in the only location that matters. My shoulders are exposed when I fight, because my shield is relatively small for my size, so its almost a 'small shield' but is sort of closer to medium. Its shaped though, like the emblem for the Raiders football team. My father made it, and is a fan of the Raiders. (works for me, my realm on WoW was Blackwater Raiders.) anyway, because of its size and shape, my shoulders are often exposed, but I'm able to maneuver the shield to protect the rest of me, save for my legs. Most opponents don't go for my legs, because hitting an opponent in the leg and then trying to fight them while they have a shield and are kneeling, is incredibly difficult.Against me, more so, because I'll roll, dive and chase you, even on my knees, and now you just made it easier for me to cover my entire body with the shield. Either way, some savvy fighters go for my shoulders, because if you get a direct shoulder shot on the top, beside the neck, it counts as body, and is an immediate kill. Only one fighter generally gets that hit on me, and I've learned to react to his shot, and cut his arm at the wrist when he swings. But it requires me to focus to get away with that, and if I'm fighting multiple enemies, if ONE of them is his level, I can't focus that counter attack, because my attention is too spread out. This is only a trouble for my offensive measures, defense, the only problem I have is archers, because if they're not in my immediate vicinity, I forget to guard myself from them. I can SEE them, but its the same thing that happens in video games when I see the sniper just before they kill me: my brain doesn't register 'immediate threat' with some one too far away to strike at, unless I was looking directly at them from the start. I need to rekindle my instinct to dodge the sniper at the last second, like I used to in my old Halo group, unfortunately, it will have to be a dodge, unless I craft a larger shield. You're not permitted to strike arrows out of the air... and catching them is not allowed either, unless you're a monk class in Amtgard (though I imagine that interpreting 'may stop with hands' as 'catching' will be chastised, so I'd better not actually catch them... even if I DO have the dexterity and timing to do so.)

Speaking of that... I found it vexing to find questions on the internet, concerning tales of Ninjas catching arrows. They treat the act as though it is impossible, but it seems relatively simple to me, and I cannot fathom why they see it as so hard. Granted, a large enough/powerful enough bow, would probably dramatically increase the difficulty of such a matter. I myself can catch pretty damn fast objects, but what vexes me, is that they treat it as impossible.. I suppose this is reasonable, seeing as I'm not in a perfectly sound state of mind: I don't imagine the instinct of most people, is to immediately bite some one's throat out, when they feel threatened. Literally. My guess, is that this is another one of the many disconnects I experience with people, in that their dexterity and ability is limited to a degree, that to them, the feat seems nigh unobtainable, because its just beyond their level of ability. Other people, have other skills, while my only skill really, is combat, and analyzing things for combat.. so to me, its a simple task, while to say, a manager or some such, of a business, probably couldn't fathom catching an arrow. They're not focused on controlling and manipulating their body, so their body is only a vague tool that they use to get around, rather than their greatest and most potent weapon. I'm by no means a master, but given that I've spent all of my life training and practicing in all things related to fighting that I could get my hands on, of course using my body is a simpler task, and I have greater coordination than some one who doesn't. 
At least, that is my theory on their behavior on the topic. I tend to scoff when people state something is impossible in a specific manner, because I've come across 'impossible tasks' multiple times, and I've learned that people very badly exaggerate the difficulty of things, more often than not. Worse, is the ones whose immediate response is to declare it impossible, because they themselves couldn't do it, so their reaction is to make sure to tell everyone else that they couldn't either. I have wanted to understand this line of thinking, and one thought, is that its to protect their own ego. I'm willing to assume thats the case, only because its the unsavory answer, and I'm used to having to accept those.... its rarely an answer that doesn't suck... at least, in my experience. Chief among examples, is when some one tries to tell me that a certain opponent 'would destroy you'. That, more than anything, makes me laugh, and simultaneously feel utter disgust towards the person who stated it. I can't count the times I've been told some one or something is going to 'destroy me' and has failed, miserably. Its part of what got me in the habit of toying with my opponents, because they'd 'destroy me'. Clearly, they misunderstood their own power, and needed a demonstration of who was superior, and zero of the times it has happened, have they had anything further to say after I've made a fool of them. Most of those people, actually, refuse to talk to me at all, which is in itself, a satisfying reward... but I digress. My point is, I've heard the 'impossible' excuse so many times, I refuse to accept it until I myself have had a consistent failure rate. Rarely do I ever fail at these tasks... obviously, because none of them were impossible. Of course, it IS impossible, if you never attempt it. 

Anyway, I got sidetracked I think, but really thats fine, I was just going to ramble anyway.. like I said, I felt like talking. Another thing I want to do, is craft some more amtgard weapons and shields. I don't have the materials for either, however. I need more plywood for the shield, and it must be larger this time, and mostly, I need alot more foam. The design I used for the shield my father made, works amazingly well. I haven't had to repair the shield yet, and its lasted through lots of hammering, my rolling, being used as a cushion, seat, battering ram, and being slung around recklessly. The design was durable, as I suspected, my dad did the measuring, cutting, gluing and drilling, to make it happen. I just told him what it needed to be made of, and its minimum size, and provided the foam. It worked precisely how I had hoped, and now I wish to make a larger shield using the same design, to try different styles of combat. Besides that, I discovered, using a friend's shield, that I work exceptionally well with a tower shield, because it doesn't hinder my reach, but ruins almost every offensive my opponent could take. Also, I can parry fucking greatswords and lances, so, losing the shield isn't going to be an issue unless they're stronger than me, or theres three of them attacking me at once trying to destroy it. Of course, that also means, I'll get 2 kills for free, lose the shield, then kill that person and will just have to carry a second weapon... which probably means 2 more deaths. 5 kills, for 1 death and a shield doesn't sound too bad to me.



Well, I'm going to stop typing here now, because I need to get up for a thing, and I wanted to design some stuff for D&D. So. uh.. yeah.
...does one normally say 'bye' to a journal?... *shrug*

Activity


  • Listening to: I'm My Own Master Now - Metal Gear Rising OST
I'm restless, and I also stayed up for 36 hours earlier and had to consciously decide to go to sleep, I didn't feel tired until I laid down. Its unusual, because I ordinarily become tired about 2-3 hours after the last time I went to sleep. Oh, wait, no, it isn't at all unusual, actually, I was talking to some one who had woken up at the time I was deciding whether or not I wanted to go to sleep early. I forgot, I consume the energy of other people... which makes me stay up nigh-indefinitely it seems like. 

anyway, point is, I'm rested, and now I want to do things, but I can't do everything all at once, chief among those things I want to do right now, is talk. There is no one around to talk to right now, so I decided to make a journal to just sort of empty thoughts into yet again. I don't feel bitter now, in case anyone was wondering, the last journal achieved its goal. But right now, I want to do several things, all of them combat related of course. I'm sort of saddened my training weights I got back in highschool are busted, they're just sandbag weights you can strap to your limbs or chest, but unfortunately, I punctured several of the bags, back in 2007 when I was playing Wii Boxing with them on my arms. they're 20 pound weights, each bag is 2 pounds, they're adjustable in that you can remove individual bags from the harnesses themselves. Anyway, I just got the great idea to train with my heavier swords, AND those on my arms. Sadly, I cannot. Even if I didn't do that, I could put them on my shoulders, to sort of simulate wearing armor. My actual armor for the game is going to be much lighter, since I'm just probably going to get leather, and metal shoulder plates for added defense in the only location that matters. My shoulders are exposed when I fight, because my shield is relatively small for my size, so its almost a 'small shield' but is sort of closer to medium. Its shaped though, like the emblem for the Raiders football team. My father made it, and is a fan of the Raiders. (works for me, my realm on WoW was Blackwater Raiders.) anyway, because of its size and shape, my shoulders are often exposed, but I'm able to maneuver the shield to protect the rest of me, save for my legs. Most opponents don't go for my legs, because hitting an opponent in the leg and then trying to fight them while they have a shield and are kneeling, is incredibly difficult.Against me, more so, because I'll roll, dive and chase you, even on my knees, and now you just made it easier for me to cover my entire body with the shield. Either way, some savvy fighters go for my shoulders, because if you get a direct shoulder shot on the top, beside the neck, it counts as body, and is an immediate kill. Only one fighter generally gets that hit on me, and I've learned to react to his shot, and cut his arm at the wrist when he swings. But it requires me to focus to get away with that, and if I'm fighting multiple enemies, if ONE of them is his level, I can't focus that counter attack, because my attention is too spread out. This is only a trouble for my offensive measures, defense, the only problem I have is archers, because if they're not in my immediate vicinity, I forget to guard myself from them. I can SEE them, but its the same thing that happens in video games when I see the sniper just before they kill me: my brain doesn't register 'immediate threat' with some one too far away to strike at, unless I was looking directly at them from the start. I need to rekindle my instinct to dodge the sniper at the last second, like I used to in my old Halo group, unfortunately, it will have to be a dodge, unless I craft a larger shield. You're not permitted to strike arrows out of the air... and catching them is not allowed either, unless you're a monk class in Amtgard (though I imagine that interpreting 'may stop with hands' as 'catching' will be chastised, so I'd better not actually catch them... even if I DO have the dexterity and timing to do so.)

Speaking of that... I found it vexing to find questions on the internet, concerning tales of Ninjas catching arrows. They treat the act as though it is impossible, but it seems relatively simple to me, and I cannot fathom why they see it as so hard. Granted, a large enough/powerful enough bow, would probably dramatically increase the difficulty of such a matter. I myself can catch pretty damn fast objects, but what vexes me, is that they treat it as impossible.. I suppose this is reasonable, seeing as I'm not in a perfectly sound state of mind: I don't imagine the instinct of most people, is to immediately bite some one's throat out, when they feel threatened. Literally. My guess, is that this is another one of the many disconnects I experience with people, in that their dexterity and ability is limited to a degree, that to them, the feat seems nigh unobtainable, because its just beyond their level of ability. Other people, have other skills, while my only skill really, is combat, and analyzing things for combat.. so to me, its a simple task, while to say, a manager or some such, of a business, probably couldn't fathom catching an arrow. They're not focused on controlling and manipulating their body, so their body is only a vague tool that they use to get around, rather than their greatest and most potent weapon. I'm by no means a master, but given that I've spent all of my life training and practicing in all things related to fighting that I could get my hands on, of course using my body is a simpler task, and I have greater coordination than some one who doesn't. 
At least, that is my theory on their behavior on the topic. I tend to scoff when people state something is impossible in a specific manner, because I've come across 'impossible tasks' multiple times, and I've learned that people very badly exaggerate the difficulty of things, more often than not. Worse, is the ones whose immediate response is to declare it impossible, because they themselves couldn't do it, so their reaction is to make sure to tell everyone else that they couldn't either. I have wanted to understand this line of thinking, and one thought, is that its to protect their own ego. I'm willing to assume thats the case, only because its the unsavory answer, and I'm used to having to accept those.... its rarely an answer that doesn't suck... at least, in my experience. Chief among examples, is when some one tries to tell me that a certain opponent 'would destroy you'. That, more than anything, makes me laugh, and simultaneously feel utter disgust towards the person who stated it. I can't count the times I've been told some one or something is going to 'destroy me' and has failed, miserably. Its part of what got me in the habit of toying with my opponents, because they'd 'destroy me'. Clearly, they misunderstood their own power, and needed a demonstration of who was superior, and zero of the times it has happened, have they had anything further to say after I've made a fool of them. Most of those people, actually, refuse to talk to me at all, which is in itself, a satisfying reward... but I digress. My point is, I've heard the 'impossible' excuse so many times, I refuse to accept it until I myself have had a consistent failure rate. Rarely do I ever fail at these tasks... obviously, because none of them were impossible. Of course, it IS impossible, if you never attempt it. 

Anyway, I got sidetracked I think, but really thats fine, I was just going to ramble anyway.. like I said, I felt like talking. Another thing I want to do, is craft some more amtgard weapons and shields. I don't have the materials for either, however. I need more plywood for the shield, and it must be larger this time, and mostly, I need alot more foam. The design I used for the shield my father made, works amazingly well. I haven't had to repair the shield yet, and its lasted through lots of hammering, my rolling, being used as a cushion, seat, battering ram, and being slung around recklessly. The design was durable, as I suspected, my dad did the measuring, cutting, gluing and drilling, to make it happen. I just told him what it needed to be made of, and its minimum size, and provided the foam. It worked precisely how I had hoped, and now I wish to make a larger shield using the same design, to try different styles of combat. Besides that, I discovered, using a friend's shield, that I work exceptionally well with a tower shield, because it doesn't hinder my reach, but ruins almost every offensive my opponent could take. Also, I can parry fucking greatswords and lances, so, losing the shield isn't going to be an issue unless they're stronger than me, or theres three of them attacking me at once trying to destroy it. Of course, that also means, I'll get 2 kills for free, lose the shield, then kill that person and will just have to carry a second weapon... which probably means 2 more deaths. 5 kills, for 1 death and a shield doesn't sound too bad to me.



Well, I'm going to stop typing here now, because I need to get up for a thing, and I wanted to design some stuff for D&D. So. uh.. yeah.
...does one normally say 'bye' to a journal?... *shrug*
  • Listening to: I'm My Own Master Now - Metal Gear Rising OST
I'm feeling really bogged down right now by the past, so I just need to thought-dump it here. So y'know.. don't read onward if you don't want to hear the rambling of a bitter old man. (shut up, I know I'm not THAT old yet >_>;;  )


Anyway, so I'mma just... y'know.... take up some space and then start. 





Here I go.








So, since its the first thing on my mind, having just left the game, Smash 4. I give up on holding out on this one, to be flat out honest, I feel like I'm the only person who sees something wrong with this game. Which I probably am, its just become a fact of life its me vs pretty much everyone else in the world, at all times. I set out 13 years ago, knowing damn well thats what it was going to be, so, I should be used to it. Anyway, I just... I don't want to give up on one of the games I grew up with, but Nintendo has made this one really, REALLY unsavory to touch. I feel like I'm quitting if I just throw it away and forget about it, and you know how I feel about giving up. I just.... hate this game so much. I can't tell anymore, now, if the AI is just THAT fucking annoying, and the notorious rubberband AI (I'm damn near positive that it is.) and I'm just getting annoyed at Nintendo's laziness, or if I really AM having trouble playing the game. I mean, so far, human opponents.... STILL come apart like butter when I fight them.. but the AI should NOT be getting closer to victory when fighting me, than a real person does. But it.... does... I can handle 7 actual players trying to unite against me, but ONE AI, can fight on-par with me, and I'm absolutely certain that it changes the way the game works on a whim to make itself better, instead of actually being competent. I've played these games way too frigging long to just be imagining this... 
I just don't think it matters anymore. The good fights are all over, there isn't anyone fun to fight anymore, the Champion of the tournament 2 years ago, never came back, and he was the only worthy opponent I ever met in person, out of three people who ever beat me entirely fairly. It makes me so sad, that I'll never fight them again, I've never lost when I'm at my best, and had so much fun doing it... but I've gotten so much stronger, and now, I may never know if I surpassed them or not... it kinda kills me a little inside... *sigh* but, well, thems the breaks, as Tom used to say. Y'know.. before he turned into an asshole.


Anyway... so that was just the top of my head. I... I keep trying to dodge naming people that could still even POSSIBLY read a journal of mine, if I have something potentially negative to say, and I Feel like thats actually particularly cowardly of me. So it bugs the shit out of me when I try not to. I do it, because I don't want the confrontation, and I'm trying to empty my thoughts when I type in this, so.. I kind of want to avoid drawing attention? But I mean, if that were the case, it SHOULD satisfy me to type in a text file, and just leave it somewhere. Well, it doesn't, for some reason it doesn't provide the same stress relief, and I don't know why, it must be a subconscious thing, to think that some one COULD read this, to find out how I've been lately (pretty sure only one person actually does? but y'know, thats okay. Its probably the only person who actually really needs to know the state of my wellbeing.. so that works out.) versus just... hiding it. I've NEVER been one to want to hide anything, so, NOT saying stuff openly bothers the hell out of me.

Anyway, on that note, I do... have some pretty bad regret right now. I know, I know, I shouldn't regret the past, learn from it, etc. Well, I'm not always capable of just letting it go, eventually, I get sad, and when I do, I get incredibly sad, all at once until it wears off. I guess its part of being emotionally unstable... I regret that quite a bit, too. I keep getting reminded of 2013... and just.. I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over it. So, I end up having to stop thinking, completely, and it just... the emptiness in my thoughts is enough of a reminder. Its like a brand, forever reminding me "you did this, you know that, right?" 
I mean, maybe, it was nothing. Maybe it never would have gone anywhere, no matter what I did? Maybe I was responsible for killing it myself, personally, when I just... let my emotions out, both sides of those emotions, my hate AND my affection? *shrug* I try my best not to think about it, because honestly, I....... I don't want to complicate my life, at all. Emotions stress me out alot, and I avoid them as much as I can, because I'm just so... SO un-used to them. Even the positive ones... especially those ones..
But... I do feel.... a painful sense of longing... and as much as I angrilly try to deny it, it does hurt. I want it NOT to hurt, I want it to go away, I just don't want to care. But I feel like my emotions are blaming me. I feel like... I'm being judged. Hah... thats long since passed. Even if it could have been done, I made it DAMN clear I'm not capable of filling that position in their life. Hah... so... I did- No.. I BELIEVE I did it to myself, whether I could control my emotions or not, I feel that my actions could have been better, and I DO blame myself. Maybe it was a passing fancy for them? Molly thought otherwise.. and until she sounded genuinely sad when I offhandedly mentioned it... I hadn't had much doubts. But then when she actually sounded genuinely sad, like it was tragic.. I began to doubt. Molly doesn't show alot of emotions herself, so.. getting that sincerely pained reaction made me question again... did I really fuck up?...  Was there EVER a chance? or was it just fun and games? I wish I could just not care. But again, my emotions don't always obey me. I guess thats why I'm so detached from them... I spend an unhealthy amount of time, disassociating myself from them... trying to refuse to believe them, trying to refuse to acknowledge them. Maybe, I'm hurting myself when I do?... It doesn't matter. Either way, its going to hurt. I either acknowledge them, and try to accept that I grew too attached to some one too quickly, or... I deny it, and try to pretend it didn't happen. *sigh* I know... I have to acknowledge them, because I wont hide from it. I'd prefer they forget me, because its humiliating, that I was so weak... Not because I cared in the first place, but because I let it tear me apart, and make me behave like a god damn fool.

Anyway, yeah. I'm bitter over that, because... I blame myself. *shrug* I mean even if there was no chance, I'm pretty sure just the friendship in general, going to pieces is entirely my fault as well, because its fucking awkward, and I'm sure that its me who made it that way. Really, I COULD be over thinking it, and I hope that I am, 'cos that'd be a relief but, eh.. It can't be fixed. It literally can't, because nothing they could say, would remove the fact, I made a fool of myself. I mean if they genuinely didn't care, then, I could BEGIN to get over it, alot sooner... but.. I'll never ask. I'm more than positive it'd make 'em uncomfortable, and besides, we don't talk. So I can't... really. I'm not going to make the effort anymore, to try to keep in contact, its... beyond weird, of me. I should just let it go and... try to just.. not feel down about it. They were a really cool friend though... I really... REALLY hate to let something like that go... 

Anyway. I probably won- wow okay, I started the last 3 paragraphs with 'anyway' too... *cough* need more vocab. As I was saying though, I probably wont DO anything, until I'm sure I'm thinking clearly. I don't trust myself NOT to do something rash or stupidly emotional. So.. the result is.. *grits teeth* I'm.... a bit more tsundere-ish than I was before... I get angry when I have to admit emotions and I try to hide that I did by 'being mad'. Which is just humiliating to think about in retrospect... in almost a good way... I'm basically in a catch 22. Admitting that I behave that way is embarrassing, but I sort of don't mind, because its totally a cover, and anyone who knows me well enough, knows that. But also them knowing that, and me knowing they know that, makes it MORE embarrassing, and so I react that way, and its also futile, which makes me panic and act like that MORE to try and cover it up. -wait, no, that isn't a catch 22. Thats just.... futility. Nevermind.

Anyway. Yeah. I just don't know what to do with th- GOD DAMMIT STOP USING THE WORD 'ANYWAY'! w-what I mean to say is, I don't know what to do. Its been eating away at me since last year when I talked to Molly about it. I thought I was okay, I thought "Hah, they'll probably move on, and we'll just never speak of this again... and... something." and I thought I was okay with that. I SHOULD be okay with that, I know logically, there is nothing more to do here, I've done too much already. I... I invested alot of emotion, foolishly... I wish I could take it back... but.. at the same time, I don't. I DID want them to know, that if they didn't think they were important to anyone else, that at least they were important to ME. I feel like a damn fool for saying so... they never made me regret it, so I shouldn't. But, look at my life. I grew up, with people who rejected and shunned you for having emotions, made fun of you for damn near anything, ESPECIALLY emotions... and I could never approach any of the adults in my life when I needed help or attention... so.. I had to suppress my emotion ALOT.. I guess its natural for me, to feel like I can't express anything, not only because I don't know how, but because it'll just be rejected and mark me as an outcast, no matter where I go. And.. well... my response to that, became endless rage. As the story goes... I became a destroyer.

So... I suppose... I... tried to tread, where I should never have gone, and I payed for it. I want to let it go and just move on... I'm not sure how to remove my emotions from the situation yet.. so.. I guess I'll suffer the consequences a while longer. 

Mm.. *shakes head* .. and I should stop telling myself it was my fault. Its easy, though, y'know? Its easy to... want to blame something. To... try to believe there was SOMETHING at fault. I just.. guess... I dunno. I guess I just want to believe it was a misstep, not that it was just hopeless to begin with. I want to believe that nothing is hopeless... I think that is perhaps, the most foolish mistake, that I cling to. To try and believe in hope. It is probably my worst flaw... maybe?...
Ugh.. stupid.. stupid emotions. *sigh* who am I kidding?... flaw or not, I'll... never give up hope. Its sort of all I was built on. An intangible thing.. But I have to say, this.. I feel this was hopeless, and that I wanted to deny that, SO badly. But at this point, I'm trying my best, to try to remove my attachments from them, I feel that they're gone, and never coming back. I forget how old they are now, but once they hit 20, like everyone else, they'll just disappear entirely, and that'll be that. So..

UGH FORGET IT! NEXT TOPIC! Stupid emotions!! Just.. JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THING!

SO, doing that... ....
Ugh.. alright I'm lying, there wasn't anything else, that was what was on my mind! I admit it... and I'm looking for an outlet to try to direct my emotions at. 
j-just nevermind... 
  • Listening to: The Only Thing I Know for Real - Metal Gear Rising
.. I'm... not really sure where to start talking about whats on my mind. I don't want to just go on an insult spree 'cos I'm in a bad mood (mostly 'cos I have two giant blisters on my foot, and several places the skin has been basically sanded off of my legs.. its a long story.) But I am noticing, after sort of stepping back for a very long time, well... certain trends. And watching them repeat fills me with disgust? But like... I don't blame some of the people that seem to be trapped in them.

It just makes me feel... very removed? ... I can't say 'like I don't exist' but it makes me feel very much like I'm an observer looking in through a pane of glass. Its strange, very surreal...  'Cos I can look back and say, "Hey, I remember doing this kind of stuff... and back then... I got the same results.." 
Its hard to describe what I'm looking at, because I'm not 100% sure what it is I'm perceiving, precisely. I just know it also, of course, brings me back to a time in my life where people not worth my time, were still apart of my story. Thats kinda the part thats getting me a little angry, is remembering them. 

I keep being soft, because I don't like creating conflict, and I don't like hurting feelings, 'cos I know what its like for that stuff to be foisted upon me. And I fucking hated it... its hard for me to intentionally inflict these things on other people, but honestly... sometimes, I should just shut down my emotions and bite people back. Not just wait until they get into an appropriate arena to destroy them, I've been learning more and more how to cause harm without ever raising a finger (figuratively, of course) I CAN strike people without touching them, and its been provoked out of me several times. I.. I guess I just feel I've been too kind, and passive for too long. But its hard to suppress that desire to prevent spreading the things that made me feel pain. Still though, some do not deserve mercy...

*deep breath* anyway, that aside. Its just odd, stepping back and being able to say, while reading some one, or a situation, "Hey... I've been there..." 
I guess like I've said before, I wasn't planning on living this long, I'm 6 years passed my expiration date. So, I'm... sort of just wingin' it.

At any rate, I also realize I can't just jump into every situation I see thats like that, and tell them "Wait, no, stop what you're doing, it doesn't work, trust me." 
I haven't tried to do that yet, thankfully. Its also none of my business, so I wouldn't even if I thought it'd work.. 

Anyway.. I lost my train of thought on that, 'cos I'm not currently watching the process happen. I've been on this site long enough to see several things repeat right in front of me, but only recently, I think, do I actually realize its happened before. Its people, basically. But its really really weird for me, because like I said, I didn't plan on living this long, so I didn't anticipate ANY of this, let alone having to witness it. I have to forcefully tell my senses, my mind, my emotions, that this is going to happen regularly. I'm not programmed to accept this information, so uncovering it is... extremely jarring, just because it isn't part of the preset protocols I built myself on. Thats going to happen alot. Like REALLY alot, because I was actually very set on dying much younger than this, preferably from collapse, but I didn't. I guess this means either I'm great at mental programming, or people are just extremely freakishly similar in such a confusing paradoxical way. It might be both, but.. in short, I'm trying to wrap my mind around the experiences, and finding that it isn't accepting it so well, even though I know logically, I'm witnessing it, there for, it IS, whether my mind accepts it or not. It feels alot like trying to warp metal into a new shape, to compare. 

Just... so weird. I guess what makes it easier, is the disconnect I have with my emotions, so while I can SORT OF feel outrage or sadness in a moment, it has to catch up with me, I just don't instantly feel it. Its kind of like not noticing a cut on your hand, until you look at it; I don't associate with my emotions until I realize that a situation has requested an emotional response from me, and that I haven't provided it yet. I have theories on the reason I have this disconnect, but it doesn't really matter, as above, it IS a disconnect, WHY it exists, is less important than the fact it does. 

On that note, I do feel a bit agitated with several people I'm remembering. Like I said, I don't want to even bother with confrontation, part of me wants revenge, but it isn't worth it, and I know it. Tasty as revenge is...... it'll take more effort than its worth, and I could have a much better time finding something else mildly as entertaining, but with far less attention-costs. Besides, one such person's emotional instability, is satisfying in itself, I know personally, that they'll spend much much MUCH more time tearing THEMSELVES apart, than I will, so, I can take grim satisfaction, they'll cause their own suffering, and I don't have to even notice. Just wait to see them eventually vent, so I can bask in their despair. Or they wont vent.. and I'll be indifferent all the same, but I know they're suffering. After all, they've been diagnosed.. 
On the same note, I don't laugh at people with legitimate disorders. Just the ones that cross me. Its pretty easy to explain actually: Once you're marked as an enemy, you cease to be any fraction of 'human' to me. You are no longer a person, you are no longer capable of emotions as far as I'm concerned, your pain no longer has any meaning. You're effectively dead to me, and just a walking target dummy. This reflex is SO strongly programmed into me, that its actually harder to remove the sensation of considering some one an enemy, than it is to designate them as one. It isn't easy to make yourself my enemy, but there are a couple of fast tracks to being one. I wont detail them, of course. But lets just say, that I used to sympathize with this one's suffering, when I cared, but I also looked back and realized I wasn't treated very well by them... so now... thinking about it, I enjoy their suffering.

That too, is weird. I'm always torn on these things, part of me wants to prevent suffering, regardless of how or what. But then, as in this case, when crossed, I take satisfaction in the suffering of my enemy. Its just odd for me to feel both things at the same time... I guess basically thats also part of the whole 'living passed the expiration date' thing. I didn't expect to have to care about anything, I was anticipating dying, and then it didn't happen. So I started living instead... and before my path of revenge, I actually was, believe it or not, a very soft hearted and caring person. Yes, its the classic story of teaching the gentle giant anger, and then the idiot who did it watched as I tore everything they loved, apart. And the mountains behind them, and the valley beyond..... and.. yeah, you get the picture.

Anyway, long story short, I'm demented. *shrug* whatever. I haven't exactly come to terms with the fact that I drive people off, but I'm more or less resigned to that its gonna happen. Plus, it makes it soooo so much better when I find people who DO stick around.. it makes them really, REALLY valuable, exceptional, and amazing. So, thats always cool.

But yeah, I'm... pretty satisfied that this person is going to have a life-long struggle with despair, in a way more intimate than I can understand. the only thing that'd make me feel bad about it, now, is if they legitimately tried to repair the damage they caused, AND stuck with it. Or they killed themselves. That'd still suck, which is another really funny thing about that... I'm not super concerned if my enemies die, except in the event they kill themselves from despair. Well, the redeemable ones, anyway...
Anyway I don't imagine that'll happen, if it does, then, whatever. Its not like *I* pushed them over the edge. I wont push you, I'll just hit you back when you think you can get away with hitting me first. Does it make me guilt free? Iunno, like I said, I don't consider my enemies to be people anymore. Guilt is no longer a factor once you've crossed the line. 

Anyway enough of that.. last time I wanna say, it satisfies me to no end, that they're suffering. Even if they were to figure it out that it does, and try to defiantly just BE okay, they can't, and I know they cant. 'Cos it doesn't work that way. Its too bad it didn't turn out another way.. but this will do nicely. And as for the surreal observation thing? Its gonna happen alot, and getting used to that is going to be a pain... I also have to come to terms with the fact, that they can't see things from an outside view: I couldn't either. Not while I was in the middle of the maze of bullshit, you just don't have the perspective to do it, you can't. If you do, you're way too damn wise, and thats amazing, and holy frigging god damn you impress me. But at that point, I'd have to ask them if they're even human... hehehehe...

Oh! I almost forgot.. other thing that was on my mind.. I dunno how to go about that one either. 'Cos I'm still friends with them, or rather, I still like them as a friend, so it feels really wrong, to say anything is displeasing me at all?... But to be completely fair, I think our friendship is basically over. She, like a bunch of others, are just gonna kind of drift away I think, and I'm not inclined to stop it. I mean I don't wanna see them go, 'cos, its been fun! Really, it has, pain aside. But...ehhh... I just kind of can't find... a reason? a means?.. to stop it. We just don't talk. Its been about a year since we really DID? And we never talked about really important things anyway..always skirted the edges of would-be deep conversations, probably because it would have been awkward for both of us. I don't really regret that, because I mostly regret .. being compelled to dig deeper in the first place. I feel that ruined things... In short, I feel... *I*.. ruined things. Fairly though, I mean I think its fair to feel that it is my fault in this case, not just arbitrary compulsive self blame. Even if I couldn't have known, I think that I could have taken more time to step back and cool off, SOME HOW, even if I had to go for a walk or something.. but I didn't, because I was so dead set on handling everything immediately, in the 'now'. So, I guess its my fault that its a smoldering bridge, falling apart, now. They're probably also busy, but I mean... I'm just not an important aspect of their life, who knows if I could have been? too late now, I think. And I just can't find any real way to fix that. Basically, I think its just time to let it go, and forget about it, even though I still totally like talking to them. Besides, it'd be weird for me to try to fix things more actively, it'd probably be seen as creepy. After all, who DOES that? But y'know wtf ever, I AM creepy. Might as well just own that shit, I'm batshit insane and I know it. 

I don't really feel like I'm giving up on them, y'know? I just feel like, I kind of missed the point where I could have done anything, and maybe that it just was never going to be a long-term friendship anyway. We're pretty opposite spectrum, activity-wise. But that happened alot with friendships from around the time period.. So, ah well.

I just still feel guilty for some reason. Probably 'cos I can't talk it out with them? I mean we'd just both avoid the topic once we're both aware of it anyway, So I guess that means we were never really close. Molly thought otherwise, but, maybe we actually weren't? How would *I* know? So, Iunno really, why I feel guilty at all. Or.. sad or whatever the hell that feeling is. I feel like I'm missing something about the situation... which isn't a surprise, after all, it isn't a fight. Of course I'm missing something.

Anyway, yeah, I think its pretty much as un-formal a goodbye as there is going to be. I'll eventually miss them, when they're actually gone and forget about me for the most part. But, hey! at least they didn't die either! So thats the bright side!.... I.. uhh.. think... god damn I'm bad at positive thinking.

Moving along.. I think I'm done with what was on my mind. I guess I'll get back to being pissed off about the skin lesions until they stop hurting, or whatever. I dunno.. buy a drink or somethin'.
  • Listening to: Red Sun (Instrumental) - Metal Gear Rising OST
  • Drinking: Tang
If ramming my skull into the wall 47 times would help, I'd be doing that, instead of saying anything at all. I'd feel less ashamed at least..'cos no one would know I was harmed at all, then.

See, at some point, I got it in my head, that because of the fact people have it worse than me, I don't have any right to be upset, or to admit I'm in pain. This is probably because of that sonuvabitch Scott, and the prior sonuvabitch Cory, and also my father, all three of which, whenever I mention I don't feel well, or something bad happened to me, 100% of the time turn it into a competition of who is feeling worse. Probably, anyway... I could just be stupid and cooked up not letting myself feel bad all on my own. But whatever.

Long story short.. I... sort of am sure, logically, that.. I have not alot of reason to feel like shit. Jealousy aside.. I probably don't have anything to be scared of.. I just... can't make it go away. The good news is, I'm resisting the urge to hate myself, immediately, because I'm 'showing weakness'. I'm also capable of admitting that I feel badly weakened.. rather than hiding it, and then slowly crumbling internally. The problem is probably basically everything else... I-... I can't.... seem to DO anything about it. It also means I have to spend long spans of time blanking out my thoughts, so that I don't immediately turn inward, and blame myself, and tell myself I'm worthless, or that its my own fault for being worthless, or that I'm uninteresting... etc.. etc..
I also have to resist the urge, to decide to solve all the problems with anger. 'cos that never ends well, and I end up damaging more things that way... best part? Its probably nothing. So I'd look like a god damn lunatic snapping at everything. But I don't WANT to snap at anything, I just.. want to resort to anger, because it blocks out the feeling of sadness, and all of the pain...
Also it preemptively destroys things that would have tried to hurt me. Thats always fun, but this isn't the case with this. There isn't anyone out to hurt me (hopefully, I mean it COULD be another 'Ponfa' situation... at which point I would literally rather fucking kill myself than even try diplomacy...) here, so.. I've got nothing I can just rip in half, and feel justified doing so. 

I kind of feel like I've been told I'm worthless, a couple of times, over the last few days. Now, no one outright said that, but I feel like they might as well have.. more frequently lately, I've... thought about just dying. I dismiss it, but its been coming to mind alot more lately. Its made me question, if I'm just... decaying? finally. I don't feel like I am, honestly. I mean, I'm as strong as ever... I just... I dunno. I just feel trapped. Like being 'unloved' is just an inevitability, and I'm kidding myself, thinking I've found friends. And then when I feel torn up, I feel ashamed that I'm hurt by it. Like I'm not allowed to be depressed, REAL people have REAL depression, what the fuck is wrong with YOU? Nothing, stop being a bitch, you don't get to cry!
'cos.. y'know.. thats probably good for me, too. I was tired of hearing myself be upset, forever ago. that doesn't make it better. 

On the bright side though, it'd just make me laugh, probably hysterically, for a bunch of people to just tell me to go die. Almost maniacally, actually... 
I'm not entirely sure why, anymore. I guess.. its 'cos pretty much every gaming community I've been apart of, is swarming with people like that, and I spent days at a time making these assholes as miserable as possible? I guess something about it would just be hilarious.. the best they've got, is to try to make me miserable, with words. Right, I forgot, it amuses me, because people don't take action, they talk a good fight, and are too busy subtly running away, to back any of it up. Thats why it always made me laugh... Those ones are my favorite, 'cos when you corner them, and they actually try to back up their ego, they snap like twigs, and then their own 'friends' eat them alive for it. like a couple of Chris's I know....

Anyway... 
I'll have to try to rationalize against my mind trying to believe, that dying would be better. I mean certainly, its true, if I wasn't alive, my friends wouldn't have to deal with the negative aspects of who I am. But the same is also true, that whatever it is they like about me, would be gone too. 
So... for now... at least I have that..
..whatever the hell they like about me....
  • Listening to: Battle! Zinnia - Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire OST
  • Drinking: Coffee
So, I have a trip planned next year to go to a fighting event, since I can't make it this year. So alongside that, I intend to intentionally miss Snafucon this year as well, and in one massive wave, make a comeback at both events. The idea will be, that for the whole year since the two events occur, I'm going to be training up until said events. This accomplishes several things for me.
1: it gives me a reason to be training again, which I've been looking for a reason to do so more diligently, ever since chasing off all of my enemies.
2: It gives me a goal, to help me focus on where I want to be, by a certain time. Which means I can work towards the goal, and actually be able to tell if I'm making progress towards anything at all, or not
3: Excluding snafucon, this gives me the chance to make more friends, and be prepared for the difficulties of doing such.
and finally 4: it lets me show off.
<.<; I know the last one isn't so great, but whatever. I WAS going to hold a grudge against whoever filmed the battle from last year. I was legitimately going to hunt them down and nutshot them in battle at least twice, even if I had to throw my entire body into the ground to do it (as I found out comes as an unexpected maneuver.. ) But instead, I decided to do this 'revenge' differently. Last time I went to the event, I had spent the 2 weeks prior, training nearly non-stop. I'm going to be training for the entire year this time, instead, and be fully and completely prepared... and this time, I won't be scared of the new enviornment or new rules.. so I'm going to be at 100%, instead of just close. More over, I plan to give it everything I've got this time around, and not be afraid to draw attention. This time, I'm not going to be timid, if they want to just record a 'blooper reel' and thats the only inclusion I got, for being hit in the face with a javelin handle.. they're going to be hard pressed to get legitimate footage. As for Snafucon, fuck 'em. Lots of the gamers there hate me, but theres one group who'll be sad I wasn't there this year, so when I come back, I'm going to tell them I stayed out of the event this year, specifically to train all year for the next one. This will probably bring horror and shock, because they don't know me very well, but knew I was ALREADY horrifyingly strong. Plus, this'll give me a small window of opportunity to save up money for merchandise this time... if... I Don't end up having to spend it all preparing for the fighting event... 

Either way. I have a GOAL, which is great, because it focuses my determination on something. Small goal, sure, but its better than wandering aimlessly and doing nothing!!
Needless to say, I'm excited, especially since I'm going to see what an entire year of training does to widen the gap between me and my opponents. Just how BAD can I make the overkill? We'll see.

deviantID

Baratus
United States
Favourite photographer: Dont have one
Favourite style of art: dont have one
Favourite cartoon character: Dizzy, Sakuya, Suwako, Youmu,Suika ,<insert 40% of Touhou Cast here> dont care what anyone say
Personal Quote: I dont need luck, just alot of aspirin...
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:iconqueshy:
Queshy Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015   Writer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015
<.<; thank you
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SEH-art Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015
Thanks for the fave :)
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
*nod*
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Student Writer
I hope you're doing alright, and sorry I'm so slow with my replies. Merry Christmas! :iconasnowmanplz:
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