Listening to: I'm My Own Master Now - Metal Gear Rising OST
I'm feeling really bogged down right now by the past, so I just need to thought-dump it here. So y'know.. don't read onward if you don't want to hear the rambling of a bitter old man. (shut up, I know I'm not THAT old yet >_>;; )
Anyway, so I'mma just... y'know.... take up some space and then start.
Here I go.
So, since its the first thing on my mind, having just left the game, Smash 4. I give up on holding out on this one, to be flat out honest, I feel like I'm the only person who sees something wrong with this game. Which I probably am, its just become a fact of life its me vs pretty much everyone else in the world, at all times. I set out 13 years ago, knowing damn well thats what it was going to be, so, I should be used to it. Anyway, I just... I don't want to give up on one of the games I grew up with, but Nintendo has made this one really, REALLY unsavory to touch. I feel like I'm quitting if I just throw it away and forget about it, and you know how I feel about giving up. I just.... hate this game so much. I can't tell anymore, now, if the AI is just THAT fucking annoying, and the notorious rubberband AI (I'm damn near positive that it is.) and I'm just getting annoyed at Nintendo's laziness, or if I really AM having trouble playing the game. I mean, so far, human opponents.... STILL come apart like butter when I fight them.. but the AI should NOT be getting closer to victory when fighting me, than a real person does. But it.... does... I can handle 7 actual players trying to unite against me, but ONE AI, can fight on-par with me, and I'm absolutely certain that it changes the way the game works on a whim to make itself better, instead of actually being competent. I've played these games way too frigging long to just be imagining this...
I just don't think it matters anymore. The good fights are all over, there isn't anyone fun to fight anymore, the Champion of the tournament 2 years ago, never came back, and he was the only worthy opponent I ever met in person, out of three people who ever beat me entirely fairly. It makes me so sad, that I'll never fight them again, I've never lost when I'm at my best, and had so much fun doing it... but I've gotten so much stronger, and now, I may never know if I surpassed them or not... it kinda kills me a little inside... *sigh* but, well, thems the breaks, as Tom used to say. Y'know.. before he turned into an asshole.
Anyway... so that was just the top of my head. I... I keep trying to dodge naming people that could still even POSSIBLY read a journal of mine, if I have something potentially negative to say, and I Feel like thats actually particularly cowardly of me. So it bugs the shit out of me when I try not to. I do it, because I don't want the confrontation, and I'm trying to empty my thoughts when I type in this, so.. I kind of want to avoid drawing attention? But I mean, if that were the case, it SHOULD satisfy me to type in a text file, and just leave it somewhere. Well, it doesn't, for some reason it doesn't provide the same stress relief, and I don't know why, it must be a subconscious thing, to think that some one COULD read this, to find out how I've been lately (pretty sure only one person actually does? but y'know, thats okay. Its probably the only person who actually really needs to know the state of my wellbeing.. so that works out.) versus just... hiding it. I've NEVER been one to want to hide anything, so, NOT saying stuff openly bothers the hell out of me.
Anyway, on that note, I do... have some pretty bad regret right now. I know, I know, I shouldn't regret the past, learn from it, etc. Well, I'm not always capable of just letting it go, eventually, I get sad, and when I do, I get incredibly sad, all at once until it wears off. I guess its part of being emotionally unstable... I regret that quite a bit, too. I keep getting reminded of 2013... and just.. I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over it. So, I end up having to stop thinking, completely, and it just... the emptiness in my thoughts is enough of a reminder. Its like a brand, forever reminding me "you did this, you know that, right?"
I mean, maybe, it was nothing. Maybe it never would have gone anywhere, no matter what I did? Maybe I was responsible for killing it myself, personally, when I just... let my emotions out, both sides of those emotions, my hate AND my affection? *shrug* I try my best not to think about it, because honestly, I....... I don't want to complicate my life, at all. Emotions stress me out alot, and I avoid them as much as I can, because I'm just so... SO un-used to them. Even the positive ones... especially those ones..
But... I do feel.... a painful sense of longing... and as much as I angrilly try to deny it, it does hurt. I want it NOT to hurt, I want it to go away, I just don't want to care. But I feel like my emotions are blaming me. I feel like... I'm being judged. Hah... thats long since passed. Even if it could have been done, I made it DAMN clear I'm not capable of filling that position in their life. Hah... so... I did- No.. I BELIEVE I did it to myself, whether I could control my emotions or not, I feel that my actions could have been better, and I DO blame myself. Maybe it was a passing fancy for them? Molly thought otherwise.. and until she sounded genuinely sad when I offhandedly mentioned it... I hadn't had much doubts. But then when she actually sounded genuinely sad, like it was tragic.. I began to doubt. Molly doesn't show alot of emotions herself, so.. getting that sincerely pained reaction made me question again... did I really fuck up?... Was there EVER a chance? or was it just fun and games? I wish I could just not care. But again, my emotions don't always obey me. I guess thats why I'm so detached from them... I spend an unhealthy amount of time, disassociating myself from them... trying to refuse to believe them, trying to refuse to acknowledge them. Maybe, I'm hurting myself when I do?... It doesn't matter. Either way, its going to hurt. I either acknowledge them, and try to accept that I grew too attached to some one too quickly, or... I deny it, and try to pretend it didn't happen. *sigh* I know... I have to acknowledge them, because I wont hide from it. I'd prefer they forget me, because its humiliating, that I was so weak... Not because I cared in the first place, but because I let it tear me apart, and make me behave like a god damn fool.
Anyway, yeah. I'm bitter over that, because... I blame myself. *shrug* I mean even if there was no chance, I'm pretty sure just the friendship in general, going to pieces is entirely my fault as well, because its fucking awkward, and I'm sure that its me who made it that way. Really, I COULD be over thinking it, and I hope that I am, 'cos that'd be a relief but, eh.. It can't be fixed. It literally can't, because nothing they could say, would remove the fact, I made a fool of myself. I mean if they genuinely didn't care, then, I could BEGIN to get over it, alot sooner... but.. I'll never ask. I'm more than positive it'd make 'em uncomfortable, and besides, we don't talk. So I can't... really. I'm not going to make the effort anymore, to try to keep in contact, its... beyond weird, of me. I should just let it go and... try to just.. not feel down about it. They were a really cool friend though... I really... REALLY hate to let something like that go...
Anyway. I probably won- wow okay, I started the last 3 paragraphs with 'anyway' too... *cough* need more vocab. As I was saying though, I probably wont DO anything, until I'm sure I'm thinking clearly. I don't trust myself NOT to do something rash or stupidly emotional. So.. the result is.. *grits teeth* I'm.... a bit more tsundere-ish than I was before... I get angry when I have to admit emotions and I try to hide that I did by 'being mad'. Which is just humiliating to think about in retrospect... in almost a good way... I'm basically in a catch 22. Admitting that I behave that way is embarrassing, but I sort of don't mind, because its totally a cover, and anyone who knows me well enough, knows that. But also them knowing that, and me knowing they know that, makes it MORE embarrassing, and so I react that way, and its also futile, which makes me panic and act like that MORE to try and cover it up. -wait, no, that isn't a catch 22. Thats just.... futility. Nevermind.
Anyway. Yeah. I just don't know what to do with th- GOD DAMMIT STOP USING THE WORD 'ANYWAY'! w-what I mean to say is, I don't know what to do. Its been eating away at me since last year when I talked to Molly about it. I thought I was okay, I thought "Hah, they'll probably move on, and we'll just never speak of this again... and... something." and I thought I was okay with that. I SHOULD be okay with that, I know logically, there is nothing more to do here, I've done too much already. I... I invested alot of emotion, foolishly... I wish I could take it back... but.. at the same time, I don't. I DID want them to know, that if they didn't think they were important to anyone else, that at least they were important to ME. I feel like a damn fool for saying so... they never made me regret it, so I shouldn't. But, look at my life. I grew up, with people who rejected and shunned you for having emotions, made fun of you for damn near anything, ESPECIALLY emotions... and I could never approach any of the adults in my life when I needed help or attention... so.. I had to suppress my emotion ALOT.. I guess its natural for me, to feel like I can't express anything, not only because I don't know how, but because it'll just be rejected and mark me as an outcast, no matter where I go. And.. well... my response to that, became endless rage. As the story goes... I became a destroyer.
So... I suppose... I... tried to tread, where I should never have gone, and I payed for it. I want to let it go and just move on... I'm not sure how to remove my emotions from the situation yet.. so.. I guess I'll suffer the consequences a while longer.
Mm.. *shakes head* .. and I should stop telling myself it was my fault. Its easy, though, y'know? Its easy to... want to blame something. To... try to believe there was SOMETHING at fault. I just.. guess... I dunno. I guess I just want to believe it was a misstep, not that it was just hopeless to begin with. I want to believe that nothing is hopeless... I think that is perhaps, the most foolish mistake, that I cling to. To try and believe in hope. It is probably my worst flaw... maybe?...
Ugh.. stupid.. stupid emotions. *sigh* who am I kidding?... flaw or not, I'll... never give up hope. Its sort of all I was built on. An intangible thing.. But I have to say, this.. I feel this was hopeless, and that I wanted to deny that, SO badly. But at this point, I'm trying my best, to try to remove my attachments from them, I feel that they're gone, and never coming back. I forget how old they are now, but once they hit 20, like everyone else, they'll just disappear entirely, and that'll be that. So..
UGH FORGET IT! NEXT TOPIC! Stupid emotions!! Just.. JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THING!
SO, doing that... ....
Ugh.. alright I'm lying, there wasn't anything else, that was what was on my mind! I admit it... and I'm looking for an outlet to try to direct my emotions at.