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Deviant for 10 Years
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  • Listening to: Red Sun (Instrumental) - Metal Gear Rising OST
Didn't have internet for a while. 

Gave me alot of time to think to myself though. I do believe the loss of internet access for a while like that, was quite enlightening.... I mean I always realized I hated certain things, but I felt compulsively tied to them anyway. Now I just hate those things, so I'm completely content to just be rid of them, permanently, and not care.

However, one thing that did not change during that time... is the ridiculous hours I find myself waking up at.... 

anyway, a certain quacktus was right, years ago. Some of these people don't need anymore chances, fuck 'em. Too nice for my own good.

Thats basically it. Oh, didn't get the job I was hoping for either, which sucks. Would have been a perfect part time job... but eh, y'know nothin' in life can ever be easy, unless you're spoiled. Or something. Other than that, I've just been training... I should be vastly stronger now, so I need to keep that up. 
Oh, and the thing that irritated me most over the time I didn't have internet:
I broke my favorite sword on Diablo (the very first game), my precious Sword of Vampires! You wouldn't believe how mad I was..  Am, actually. I'm STILL mad at Diablo for that...

Activity


  • Listening to: Red Sun (Instrumental) - Metal Gear Rising OST
Didn't have internet for a while. 

Gave me alot of time to think to myself though. I do believe the loss of internet access for a while like that, was quite enlightening.... I mean I always realized I hated certain things, but I felt compulsively tied to them anyway. Now I just hate those things, so I'm completely content to just be rid of them, permanently, and not care.

However, one thing that did not change during that time... is the ridiculous hours I find myself waking up at.... 

anyway, a certain quacktus was right, years ago. Some of these people don't need anymore chances, fuck 'em. Too nice for my own good.

Thats basically it. Oh, didn't get the job I was hoping for either, which sucks. Would have been a perfect part time job... but eh, y'know nothin' in life can ever be easy, unless you're spoiled. Or something. Other than that, I've just been training... I should be vastly stronger now, so I need to keep that up. 
Oh, and the thing that irritated me most over the time I didn't have internet:
I broke my favorite sword on Diablo (the very first game), my precious Sword of Vampires! You wouldn't believe how mad I was..  Am, actually. I'm STILL mad at Diablo for that...
  • Listening to: Tallon Overworld Depths - Metroid Prime
  • Reading: http://www.d20pfsrd.com/
  • Playing: Starbound
  • Drinking: Pepsi
I'd like to punch something, or some one, in the face, that deserves it right now. Sadly, the people who pretty much asked me to do exactly that, are very much gone. So I'll have to make due without. I'm contemplating training until I feel better, but... I also don't effectively know when it'll go from muscular gain, to just destroying myself and being unable to feel it because adrenaline. Its great, y'know? to tell I'm fucking enraged, and want to tear something apart, and also have the restraint to just.... Not. And by great, I mean it makes me fucking hate myself. I'd like to ask questions like, "what have I become?" and "where is my life going?" But I have the answers to those, so they're not deep by any measure. Whatever the hell meaning that had in the first place. 
Its not as though I've lost my connection to my emotions, I just don't let them control me, completely, anymore. And to do that, I have to just record them somewhere. Thus, the journal, and me not really giving too much of a shit if some one reads it or not. Oh, certainly, I'd like to think some one pays attention to my inner thoughts, but then of course, at the same time, I'd also like to lash out for some one noticing them, except that I cant, because logically, if I didn't want ANYONE to see my thoughts, ever, I'd just never record them, period. Not even in a notepad at home, which'd inevitably be found when I eventually lost it. Of course, the same as with the notepad, even if found, it wont be read. So y'know.. whatever. It defaults to, I'm just doing this for me, and even if I wanted to cry for help, no one would hear it. Though the truth is, just as much as I'd like help, I'd also resent it under most circumstances, not the person helping me, but myself, for needing help. I'm always at that, what, paradox? Having to acknowledge, that I'm not entirely invincible, but hating the fact that I'm not, and rejecting the idea of mentioning I'm hurt. I hate this... I really fucking do. I'd like to just say I feel perfect all the fucking time, and never have to talk to anyone, ever, about anything. I'm tired of rejection, or being the third fucking wheel, I'm tired of not feeling important to some one else, I'm tired of feeling a desire to just fucking stab some people. Obviously I never do, I'm pretty sure convicts don't get internet. 

I'm tired of feeling, is what I'm saying. Its not ALL positive.. but I guess if I couldn't feel, I also couldn't appreciate whenever I make progress at anything. So, of course... just like what I was thinking about a while ago, I can't have anything good come my way, without some kind of crippling drawback that I just have to soak up the damage from. 
And I'm not saying "oh poor fucking me" I'm enraged that I don't have something more solid to punch in the face for this. The problem is always out of my fucking hands, or I'd just go solve the god damn thing, stab the issue to death, and be done with it. Its always safely out of my stabbing distance, so to speak. And if its not that, its just that I'm unpleasant, no matter what I do or how I feel, and I'm getting damn sick of that too.

ugh.. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point... a fuckload of hopelessness is just crashing against my skull, and I'm basically saying any god damn thing to try to make it go away... I want to thrash and riot and murder something, just to vent all of the rage at feeling so fucking helpless... I hate this.... I just hate it... and I fucking hate that it hurts, I hate revealing that it hurts... I don't want anyone to know I'm fucking hurt... but hey, good news is, its easy for me to disappear, no one is watching me anyway (figuratively). So I can just withdraw, unnoticed, lick my wounds and be just fine, and no one will be the wiser. So, yay me. Good job at being utterly unremarkable, uninteresting AND unpleasant! You've made yourself entirely undesirable, Some how! Quite the fucking achievement!

Its both good and bad that I don't have to worry about being noticed.... right about now, I'd just.... I'd just get mad at anyone for approaching me, because Im a hurt animal...  but its also bad, because I need a fucking hug that I can't have... so I just have to sit here in crippling emotional pain, and resist the urge to turn inward and rip myself apart. But its fine, because I can fucking take it. 
.... I hate myself for that, too. Being unstoppable. Its a pretty good reason to despise myself, because effectively, when I want to hurt myself because my emotions are being fucking stupid, I can't, and I know I can't, because the only people that can hurt me, does not include me on the list. Funny protocol, that. 

Oh yes.. the latticework that is my inner workings.. tends not to leave any means for me to get away with self harm. Lucky me... but then, I doubt it'd actually satisfy any of the chaotic raging emotions. It'd probably just damage me, and give me nothing in return at all. So.. whatever. Its not like I'm missing much.

I'm.. slightly calmer now, I still hurt. I'm still angry... I still want to lash out at something... I..still... just.. want a hug..
  • Listening to: I'll Face Myself - Persona 4 OST
Whenever I come up with ideas for stuff. I tend to just execute the idea immediately, but I mean, concerning my D&D campaign, I need to actually write these things down, because that ISNT being executed immediately.
I basically just needed to write a journal, to remind myself to do so, because the act of writing/typing something I need to recall, causes me to memorize it really well. 
Also I'm not mad anymore, and that last journal was me approaching wanting to vent, but nah, I got over it... in uhh... my own way.

Anyway.. uhm... Yeah.. what else?...
I should probably protect my hands more when I'm training.. although roughing up the palms a bit every now and then isn't a bad thing I think. I should probably start trying really hard to snap to a schedule for sleep as well... and I've been avoiding trying to figure out the time it'll take for a bus ride to the college... mostly because I don't want to go outside (OH NO IM A VAMPIRE) in the sun. And obviously, the night schedule for the bus is different/slower.

Ughh.. I have to admit, I have alot of anxiety built up about college. I have this creeping feeling that nothing I learn there is going to actually help me. I'm trying to ignore it... but I haven't heard a really detailed description of college courses and such. I mean all I hear is two extremes: That college is completely worthless in this day and age, or just really excited people talking about the thing they're learning. That doesn't teach me anything, except that I will be forced to go and investigate myself....

And so, here we are. I'm seriously distressed about it though. It costs lots of money, and for it to be worthless is... well... throwing away money. So Im extremely nervous its not going to be worth it. But we'll see. I have no other choice but to find out personally.
Y'know what sucks?... Trying to remember who you were supposed to be 'friends' with, or whether you just kinda added them to your watch list.

...maybe I shouldn't be so worried about it.. I just dunno what level of comfortable to be around specific people. .... Yeah I'm probably over-complicating it.
  • Listening to: I'll Face Myself - Persona 4 OST
I'm... trying not to over react right now, and take something personal.
I'm sure its nothing... heck they probably didn't even really notice... I'm going to keep telling myself that, and hope I'm convinced. 
I'm immediately reminded of the time Tim posted the only video out of some 20 matches, that he actually managed to beat me in, after asking about an hour or two, prior, if he could record us playing at Smash. Then has the nerve to post the only one, damn near the last one we had, that he won.

I'm... trying to stay calm. I'm trying not to plot how much I'm going to HURT PEOPLE OUT OF SPITE AND VENGEANCE... 
I mean I was already upset... that some one walked away with my sword, and that I was quietly removed from the field. I was very much trying not to take those personally either. I was also trying not to take the aggression from a few of them personally. And also the underhanded trickery. Now the very clear dismissal is getting much much harder not to take personally. 

I'm... trying not to shout, mentally. Trying not to type in caps, 'cos that doesn't exactly convey exactly how I feel. Caps just looks stupid. If I could type in blood, I would, but how would you digitize blood?
Anyway..
My point is... my anger spiked.. I'm... trying not to let it explode. I was nice... I'm beginning to believe it was a mistake to be nice. 

I really don't need to be going around exacting revenge on people... I am trying to resist the urge to do exactly that.

I'll let Cassius talk me out of it... I'm sure he will, hes a nice guy, and knows the people at the event, most of them anyway.
... if that doesn't work. Then... well... I guess I'll be a guided missile.

deviantID

Baratus
United States
Favourite photographer: Dont have one
Favourite style of art: dont have one
Favourite cartoon character: Dizzy, Sakuya, Suwako, Youmu,Suika ,<insert 40% of Touhou Cast here> dont care what anyone say
Personal Quote: I dont need luck, just alot of aspirin...
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:iconqueshy:
Queshy Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015   Writer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015
<.<; thank you
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:iconseh-art:
SEH-art Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015
Thanks for the fave :)
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:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
*nod*
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Student Writer
I hope you're doing alright, and sorry I'm so slow with my replies. Merry Christmas! :iconasnowmanplz:
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