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Baratus

Knight, Rogue, Hero
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''Superior''

3 min read

(Side note: why the fuck can I put '' twice, but I can't just "? Are you fucking kidding me oh my god) So. I've had a long road, full of opponents and problems, like anyone else. My life up till a few years ago, taught me that anything could be overcome with enough training. Bullies, academic studies, wild animals, games, physical injuries, time constraints.. I could just push myself harder to acquire anything that I desired. Anything out of my reach, could simply be brought into my reach through enough extreme effort, no matter how outnumbered, etc etc. A few years ago I was introduced.. to the first time that was not the case.. and I did not learn the lesson, since I didn't have enough data. Athalia should have been the first one to teach me that. Fast forward to the second trial, Amber, I would then realize.. that the one thing no amount of training mattered with... was people. Superior. I have been hunted by people over this. People have been threatened by my mere presence and lashed out at me, time and time again. With the barest of effort, I have made people look bad. With the barest of effort, I have felled groups of opponents... with the barest effort, I have made people look like complete fools.. Minimal effort on my part, has completely crushed people before, like swatting bothersome insects out of the air. A few times this was on purpose, but much of the time, it wasn't, which made it all the more insulting to those people. Its funny.. really... watching people fixate on my ability. Watching them get bent out of shape and furious over what I can do that they can't. I don't mean its funny as in I laugh.. or at least, I didn't use to.. But now, what else can I do but laugh? They fixate on the things I can do that they can't, challenge me and lose. Meanwhile... I.. can't seem to be human. No matter where I go or what I do. It seems I only grow the distance between myself and others. It just always amused me, that people would throw away their relationships; friends, lovers, family, in their rage to try and smite me over some perceived insult that was never slung. They would throw away things, for a small thing such as victory, that I would gladly lose the battle to keep... if I had had them. "Superior" "God Blooded" "Freaking unstoppable" They fixated so hard on what I had, that their tunnel vision caused them to let the rest of their lives fall apart. Meanwhile.. my alleged greatness, has never really done anything for me. You would think, that everything would be great and perfect, for some one so unrelenting and invincible, right?... Actually, it just seems to make it hard for anyone to relate to me. In fact, it makes a very large number of them hate me. I've heard it said that people hate what they don't understand, because they fear it. I always thought that was really stupid and didn't make sense.. but.. Iunno, people don't seem to make a lot of sense either. "Superior" .... *sigh* "God blooded" .. but is that one even *my* fault? "Freaking unstoppable" .. So you think.. but I guess I may as well be. I dunno. It doesn't feel all that great to be called these things. I just wanted to be a person, like everyone else. But I guess I'm not allowed to do that.

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Hmm.. the wrath of ADHD is fearsome indeed.. I have a multitude of unfinished things cluttering my... well, my everything; over two thousand opened tabs, most of which opened on a whim, unfinished classes for various programming languages, I can introduce myself in 6 languages and ask for water (And uh.. insult people.. not shocking I know) but I can't hold a conversation (HAH I can't do that when I can speak the language!) and I have unfinished stories since 2011? probably?.. I have over 600 games, most of which I've started, many I haven't finished.. there are dozens of things I want to know that I haven't put investment into and then my Amtgard stuff is.. just.. consuming the entire outer edges of my room because its just perpetually in my way, but I can't bare the thought of putting it away because for some reason grasping the hilt of a weapon soothes my nerves. You might not think its much of a weapon, covered in foam and all, but believe me, if I want it to hurt you, it will, with the strength I've got. Knowledge of anatomy helps too. Anyway what I'm saying is.. A long time ago I used to read about ADHD people having this issue and back then, well, I was able to finish projects pretty consistently because I wouldn't put them down until I did; I'd become obsessed with completion. Now, I get called off to do things constantly and I lose my place because I'm always dealing with whats in front of me instead of whats left behind on my table. Enough bouts of depression and bam, here we are. But now *everything* sounds good to start but I often do just nothing instead. Though... now.. thats 'cos lately, in my haste to be everywhere and do everything all at once, I've finally stopped to notice that the people are gone. Currently... that has my attention most. . replenishing the numbers of people I have to interact with has had my attention for some time, but theres a problem with that; I fucking hate people. They're stupid, selfish, lack self awareness, have massively inflated egos that don't match their performance, they're inefficient, did I mention selfish? Predictable, spiteful, arrogant, annoying, petty and constantly looking for an excuse to attack some one over anything. I'm aware that that is not *all* people.. but most of them. Its.. insufferable... trying to weed them out to find people worth giving a damn about that still have enough energy to maintain a social life, let alone be willing to befriend a new person. And I guess thats why I'm exhausted lately. I've been... fighting an ocean of stupidity and arrogance, armed with nothing but a shovel because I just don't have a better weapon for this. Zombie hordes are suddenly that much more intimidating.. because there is really just no end to them. You hit them and you hit them and you hit them and you're exhausted, your palms ache, you've been out of bullets for 3 days and they're STILL coming, how do they keep finding you? Where are they coming from? Why isn't anyone else picking off their numbers? How the hell hasn't this shovel given out before you have?? Its daunting. Its daunting because it isn't even necessarily interesting and gnawing at the back of my mind is a slowly growing desire to just give up. That is thankfully where the analogy ends, 'cos I wont be torn apart by hungry zombies if I give up. But I also... am... impossibly stubborn and I wont give up... for long. I know me. I'll say, "Fuck this, I'm done." throw that shovel into the crowd, give them all the finger and storm off. Then a few days later when the blast of rage wears down a bit, I'll sigh, wade into the zombies, grab my shovel and be like "Okay, same as usual guys?" *Sigh* .... and... well.. here we go again. Into the waves.

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I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing lately. I never quite felt like it was normal that I remember events in such detail. Other people forget things, regularly and to me that is unsettling. I remember so clearly and so sharply that I don't know what its like to have something fade from memory in a lot of instances... at... least in long term memory. I forget what has happened in the past ten minutes, rather often, yet some how recall in excruciating detail, things that've happened a decade or two before. Of course anything that was deemed highly important or traumatizing and the like, is going to stand out. But to be blunt, I don't see my life as perpetually traumatizing... so its just always felt weird to me that I remember a lot of things so sharply. It just feels hard to relate to other people when I can quote from a text, line for line on reflex and they seem to just... have some sort of haze over that memory? I assume it must feel like when I try to recall unimportant details earlier in the day; what did I have for breakfast, for instance? The details are just not there. But even in those instances, if I concentrate on it, it takes but a moment to retrieve that information. Anyway, I just mean to say that it fascinates me when comparing what I remember, to what others remember. I feel out of place when I recall everything completely clearly.. though that might be due to suspecting they'll view that negatively. I guess it doesn't matter. Moving on, I have to admit, things feel so different now that sometimes I question if my past even happened at all. Of course, I have the scars to prove that it did.. nevermind the muscle memory. Its just.. I look around me now and feel that the world is very alien, as though I've been asleep for a very long time and suddenly woke up in a place that I do not belong. I never really felt like I belonged before, but more so now than ever I get the sense that my surroundings are not quite right. I've studied small pockets of history to try to understand the feelings I'm getting about trends across the world and a great many things have viable explanations.. but not quite everything seems to add up. I suppose this shouldn't vex me in the way that it does and I'm obviously overthinking it.. but well... it does. it does vex me, greatly. I can't shake the feeling that something I am unaware of has gone fairly wrong, subtly.. it might not directly affect me, but there feels like a sort of... background catastrophe, if you will, present. I suppose even if I were on to something, the point still stands that there is little I am able to do about whatever that may be. It doesn't... really involve me? But I feel as though I am watching many small scale train wrecks around me, all in slow motion. As some one who is so hard coded to seek efficiency, this... is not unlike the sensation of having my skin peeled off slowly, albeit a totally mental experience, rather than a physical one. Anywho. That off my chest, in other news, I feel like I'm making slow gains on a lot of little projects all over the place. That too is unsettling.. I'm not used to lacking opposition in my progress... but nothing has accosted me, insulted me or chased me down in outrage in... months???? Its... kind of... nice? Which just makes me feel even more out of sorts. Almost as if I need to be in some kind of trouble just to feel normal.. ...Saying that, I suppose anyone who really knows me would give me a flat stare and say "No shit, Sherlock." But.. I don't even *see* anything in range of me thats going to cause me problems. Its almost as if I've suddenly become invisible. Which would've been nice if it happened sooner, I'd be reaping some hefty benefits of having completed schemes by now, but at this moment in time? It just makes me feel a little lost. I uh... certainly wont make the 2019 mistake again; I will not go wishing for something to agitate my life, 'cos I got it the last time I made that wish. To be fair though.. I got precisely what I wanted, to the letter: I got a relationship, met many interesting people, learn a great deal about people as a whole, then was immediately given motivation to despise them once again, had my furious internal blaze re-lit by that anger and now I'm once again motivated to kick ass like I used to. Unfortunately, the last part came at the cost of all of the things I had gained in that year... so the relationship is also gone. But nothing could've destroyed that sense of complacency like that entire situation did.. so.. weirdly... I'm grateful it did. ... But I wont lie, I miss making out. *cough* Kind of.... a lot. but I missed being ME even more so than that. .. its good to be back.

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Hrm. I have little to share, at the moment. I recently solved my job problem, but I've been so wrapped up in getting things I've wanted for a long time, that I havent been back lately. I expected to come back to seeing a bunch of new stuff, but that is not so. Maybe the artists I watch have left Deviantart? I suppose thats unfortunate, but it cant be helped. Currently getting my ass kicked by a cold I caught. Though I was fairly proud that the condition I'm in and lacking sleep for two days due to body aches, I am still easily more energetic than my new coworker, whom I am not at all in unspoken competition with hahahah thats silly why would you think that!? but yes I take pride in my titanic strength and stamina, as per usual. Anywho. I don't have much else to say. In retrospect, probs should've thought of my audience a bit more with more candid journals.. but eh, whatever. If I can't be me in my own journal, why the fuck do I have it? And fuck anyone who doesn't approve.

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I can't help but feel... ashamed?.. I don't know.. bad, I guess, for my good fortune. Certainly, employment is an issue and I'm not exactly rolling in money or friends or whatever else.. but to be blunt, I could be going through what several of my friends are going through. By comparison, I have things easy and that fact alone makes me deeply uncomfortable. I'm not in a position to help any of them either, to my immense frustration. As if I didn't feel backed into a corner enough.. I could not reach any of them even if I started walking today. I know that technically, it isn't my responsibility to handle their problems but.. I just feel as if I am not doing enough. I suppose though, the last time I took in a friend off the streets, he stole from me and disappeared and I haven't seen him since, as Joyce didn't technically stay at my place except until morning, so she isn't the last one that I 'took in'. Even so.. Hm. I'm probably just over reacting. I've gone over it several times already, my hands are tied, even if I wanted to, I can't do anything for them except offer advice and be here as a friend. I am not accustomed to passive support.. this makes me extremely uncomfortable and I feel like I am failing them. But I cannot reasonably do anything useful right now, actively. Even if I put on my backpack and started walking right this minute, it would take me several days to reach the nearest of them and if I make it that far, I have no means of contacting them because my phone, the only device that has its own source of internet and long range communications, doesn't function for more than LITERALLY 10 seconds, when removed from the charger. Thanks, Apple. (Never again... will I buy an Apple product) Now with the above scenario, assuming I tracked them down, which is not outside the realm of possibility... what would I do? Offer them food? Here, have some dry ramen noodles, I know they taste like shit and are 99% salt, but you wont starve! That said.. it helps to mention it.. to get it off my chest and remind myself, that sadly, I am doing the best that I can. Even if 'the best that I can' in these circumstances is, as far as I'm concerned, not good enough. At any rate... I feel a little better venting about it. But this is exactly the pitfall I didn't want to end up in, I had made plans to dodge this, but sadly I'm right where I didn't want to be. I had the feeling back in October that I needed to do something before it came to this, but try as I might, I was unsuccessful. So, things unfolded as I predicted and as I calculated, I'm now not in a position to do anything about it... save for watch and hope for the best for each of 'em. I guess I should count my blessings instead of lamenting the ones my friends lack. Or.. Something... Well, in lighter news, I decided to fiddle with old games again, on random inspiration. I like to organize data.. too bad no one wants to hire me for that either. I would ramble about that but.. I'm really not in the mood to. But I think I will go back to doing that to at least get my mind off watching other people suffer.

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